Email #5

hey, sorry about yesterday. i know you were all wondering what happened. all one of you. i was sick. but i'm back now.

keith,
you are a hottie-tottie. i think you are cutesy-wootsey, dreamy-weamy. you have the most beautiful eyes.
mr. eric law.
mr and mrs eric law.
eric william law.

actually you totally suck.
eric

there's today's. i'm moving tomorrow, so we'll see what happens there. i promise to be back asap.

Email #4

sometimes, when i'm real tired and don't feel good, they'll be extra short. like today.

hey keith,
did you have cucumbers for supper last night? you've got a big green chunk of something in your teeth.
eric

now, if you'll excuse me, i'm gonna go puke.

Email #3

Sometimes, the emails will be long and make absolutely no sense. for example, today's message.

keith,
you have eaten your last pair of trousers mama's boy! unfortunately you have not been eating enough green beans. i suggest you stay close to the road when you are going to the clam chowder drink-off. we have had enough of your tuna casserole. have you ever been allowed to take three cookies instead of two? i didn't think so! you are so predictable, always taking just the two cookies instead of the customary three. you HAVE been reported to the authorities. it is TOO LATE TO SAVE YOURSELF FROM JAILTIME, just think all it would have taken to avoid years in the hoosegow. eat finnish truffles you spandex wearing clown! take soap operas seriously! enjoy watching youth soccer! take a shower. don't forget to use soap! IT"S THE ONLY WAY TO KEEP CLEAN! watch out for orange dogs, they CANNOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES be trusted.
your lactose intolerance suits you well, sir.
eric

yup.

Email #2

Hey everyone. Sometimes the messages will be short and to the point. This will be especially true on holidays, like today. I am currently working on getting an actual email address, but i am dumb about that kind of stuff. Any help would be appreciated. Here's the email i sent today:

hey keith,
i went to use the bathroom this morning and, goddammit you left ANOTHER floater! please use more care when flushing from now on.
i'm beginning to think that you are doing this on purpose.
eric

Still waiting for that first response. see you tomorrow!

Email #1

The following is the first email I sent to Keith Law. I sent it on November 22nd in repsonse to his article titled "Morneau Laughable Choice For AL MVP"


keith, YOU are a laughable choice for my butt.
it looks like you cut your hair with your feet.
you smell like wet poop.
taste like it too.
quit leaving your fingernail clippings all over the bed!
WE ARE ALL STARTING TO REALLY HATE IT!
you suck.
eric.
ps- you suck


There you have it. The first in a long line. I'll post the next one as soon as i send it.