Email #64

here's today's, and i will be off for a little while, and i don't know when the letters will come back. but they will!

hey keith,
i would do anything for love, but i won't do that.
NO NO NO I WON'T DO THAT!
eric

see ya later, ya sex and drums and rock'n'rolls!

Email #63

i like short ones.

hey keith,
fork.
eric

see you tomorrow, ya snorks!

Email #62

it's been awhile but...movie day! i would have done this same one earlier, but i was convinced that i already had. so obvious.

hey keith,
you have to purify yourself in the waters of lake minnetonka.
eric

see you tomorrow, ya blouses!

Email #61

Today's deals with current events. namely the lamest thing that people always seems to put in their letters to the editor. there was one today, and it made me mad right before i sent the letter so, there you go.

hey keith,
for the cost of your favorite latte, you can kiss my ass.
eric

see you tomorrow, ya lame-o liberals!

Email #60

I know one thing for sure about today's, this is what it sounds like when I sing it. I hope you all have this in your head for the rest of the day.

hey keith,
i can't get the sanford & son theme song out of my head!
bum-bum bwa-dum, bum-bum bwa-dum buh-duh bum,
bum-bum bwa-dum, bum-bum bwa-dum buh-duh bum,
bah-dum bum-bum bah-dum bum bum BAM!
eric

see you tomorrow, ya big dummies!

Email #59

When you go to the wolves game and it goes into double overtime and still have to get up at six to go to work, you write short emails.

hey keith,
PICKLE-FART!
eric

see you tomorrow, ya shoe fuckers!

Email #58

here's today's. i'm too tired to say anything more about it.

hey keith,
sometimes i think about stuff. sometimes you think about stuff. it's amazing how much we have in common! we both poop too!
eric

see you tomorrow, ya forbes magazine sports idiots!

Email #57

i realized today that it had been a while since the last poop joke. i think anyway, it's not like i go back and read these. and oops! i spelled his name wrong!

hey kieth,
please use this message as a reminder of how important it is for you to start timing the hours/minutes between poops. if you don't have a stopwatch yet, get one!
eric

see you tomorrow, ya porn addicts!

Email #56

today, i have this song in my head for some reason.

hey keith,
i've been waiting for a girl like you.
eric

see you tomorrow, ya foreigners!

Email #55

today's is part of a new corporate sponsorship. ok maybe not.

hey keith,
guacamole carmel setter. indonesia bagpipes.
YOU HAVE EATEN YOUR LAST KRISPY KREME, BEGGAR!
next time, you spring for the doughnuts, fucker.
eric

see you tomorrow, ya dweedle wheedlers!

Email #54

today's is the first nice one i guess.

hey keith,
i know we've had our differences over the years, but at least you're not kevin mchale.
eric

see you tomorrow, ya touchy-feelies!

Email #53

well, here's today's

hey keith,
DON"T LOOK UNDER THERE!
eric

see you tomorrow, yabutts.

Email #52

today, a poem.

keith,
pajama, banana, copacabana!
you smell like all three!
eric

i'm off tomorrow, so see you next week, ya bed wetters!

Email #51

movie day again!

hey keith,
your chart says you're all fucked up.
eric

see you tomorrow, ya pistachio nuts!

Email #50

holy shit, look who's 50!

hey keith
you drool when you talk. you waste too much time counting your change. you don't realize how much easier it is to just forget about it. all this shit is driving you crazy!
eric

see you tomorrow, ya new forties!

Email #49

Let's all take a trip back to 1993.

hey keith,
you better chickety-check yo'self before you riggety-wreck yo'self
eric

see you tomorrow, ya dirty-gym-sock-masturbators!

Email #48

today's message is in a secret language! we have a surplus of letters to send here so were holding over until april 2nd, aka opening day.

hey keith,
oday ouyay ikelay otay ooppay? eway inkthay ayay oday!
eric

see you next week, ya m.u.s.c.l.e. men!

Email #47

here's today's selection, folks.

keith,
Lemmy is god.
eric

yes he is. see you tomorrow, ya horseshoe biters!

Email #46

Today, we pay tribute to an american hero.

hey keith,
i must have taken a wrong turn at albequerque.
eric

see you tomorrow, ya maroons!

Email #45

Today's selection was composed, by me, using refrigerator magnets at home.


hey keith,
eat dog crap,
bug boy!
eric

see you tomorrow, ya sap suckers!

Email #44

hi everyone. will this be the last week for us? or will we press on? stay tuned to find out!

hey keith,
you've got a wicked snaggletooth, man. you look like my damn cat.
eric

see you tomorrow, ya snooker-fuckers!

Email #43

here is today's letter. short and very sweet!

hey keith,
scrotum!
eric

see you next week, ya skittle-diddlers!

Email #42

today, we talk about spelling.

hey keith,
i before e except after c, bitch.
eric

see you tomorrow, ya smut peddlers!

Email #41

i can't feel my fingers. no more typing. here's today's letter.

hey keith,
it's just a matter of time. you know it has to happen. there's no use putting it off any longer. no matter how much you try, you can't stop it. look out below! poop!
eric

see you next week, ya corn-poopers!

Email #40

good morning. look what i did.

hey keith,
have you ever played pictionary? i bet you can't even draw a decent shark. you sir, are no arteest!
eric

see you tomorrow, ya smelt-smellers!

Email #39

welcome to today's selection, on cali time. for no reason.

hey keith,
you been snackin' on my graham crackers again? i told you! if i write my name on it, it's mine! not yours, you graham cracker stealing midget!
eric

see you tomorrow, ya cheat-squealers!

Email #38

today, we tell keith what we really want.

hey keith,
have you ever tried just closing your eyes for a minute? please try tape. please try to keep off the grass. please try to forget about the glass. please try to fake a heartattack. please give up on your dreams of joining the U.S. gymnastics team. it's just not in the cards. if you forget to wish gene hackman a happy birthday, i will be calling the authorities.
eric

see you tomorrow, ya smelly windpipes!

Email #37

here is today's fine selection.

hey keith,
do you say it 'sherbet' or sherbert'.
either way i'm sure that you are wrong.
this is america, we speak english here!
eric

see you tomorrow, pig-nosed poopheads!

Email #36

today's is well, nice and simple.

hey keith,
suppose you never ever got to use a spoon again. what would you do? well, probably live off stored body fat you fat fuck.
eric

see you next week, ya sock-welders!

Email #35

we think that nonsense ones are our favorite ones to do.

hey keith,
have you had supper yet? have you been remembering to wash behind your ears? turkey turkey watchmaker flat shoot sidewalk soccer practice! mahalo.
eric


see you tomorrow, wrenchsuckers!

Email #34

today's...well, whatever. not really feelin' it today. i'll have something good tomorrow.

hey keith,
you have angered the gods! they will deal with you when your turn comes. be patient asshole.
eric

byeeeeeeeeeeeeee, cornholes.

Email #33

Well, since 33 is my favorite number for some reason, i decided to go with one of the two best movies ever for this version of movie day. the other, of course, is the big lebowski which has already been used. like i did with point break, i smushed together more than one person talking.

hey keith,
This city is headed for a disaster of biblical proportions. What I mean is Old Testament, Keith, real wrath-of-God type stuff. Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies. Rivers and seas boiling. Forty years of darkness. Earthquakes, volcanoes... The dead rising from the grave. Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together - mass hysteria!
eric

See ya next week, ya schooner rockets!

Email #32

today's is nice and simple.

hey keith,
why are you so satanic?
eric

see you tomorrow, shitheads!

Email #31

hey everybody

hey keith,
please try to be a little more patriotic there buddy. our country needs heroes right now, not a bunch of rock-shoe dopes like you!
eric

see you tomorrow ya rock-shoe dopes!

Email #30

30? wow. spoiler alert.


hey keith,
can you belive that wayne palmer is president? isn't that weird? also, can you belive that the us government shot fucking missles at a house in los angeles? did you cry when curtis died? i almost did. can you belive that a nuke was detonated? do you think that jack can stop them before they set off another one? i hope so. i also hope that kumar doesn't die.
eric

see you tomorrow

Email #29

it's finally friday and i have gone completely bananas.

hey keith,
have you ever heard of a 2:15? i didn't think so. you really need to start learning about this stuff. YOU SHOULD READ THE WRITINGS OF WINSTON CHURCHILL! Politics! Science! Technology! you need to better yourself. please assume the position.
eric

see? well, i'll see everyone tuesday.

Email #28

today's lesson:

hey keith,
when was the last time you stared directly into the sun? i bet it was just yesterday, maybe the day before. you know, you can't substitute staring into the sun for food.
idiot.
eric

that goes for all of you!

Email #27

good morning and happy wednesday or some shit.

hey keith,
i have cooked the finest of poop soups for you today! i hope you enjoy lentils.
and poop
eric

see you tomorrow, yabutts.

Email #26

hello. today's is nonsense, as usual.

hey keith,
if you have to, please make sure to walk on the left side of the street today. that's the LEFT side of the street. the LEFT. there may be a good chance for poop spray on the right side.
or maybe i'm just lying
eric


see you tommorrow and if you're into having fun with poop and the like check out famousnouns.com

Email #25

here's today's short and very sweet selection

hey keith,
how long has it been since you pooped?
eric

until tomorrow...

Email #24

Movie day again!


hey keith
My wife is not the issue here.I hope that my wife will someday learn to live on her allowance, which is ample, but if she doesn't, sir, that will be her problem, not mine, just as your rug is your problem, just as every bum's lot in life is his own responsibility regardless of whom he chooses to blame. I didn't blame anyone for the loss of my legs, some chinaman in Korea took them from me but I went out and achieved anyway. I can't solve your problems, sir, only you can Fuck it! That's your answer! Tattoo it on your forehead! Your answer to everything. Your "revolution" is over! Condolences! The bums lost!
eric


YAY!

Email #23

happy new year, yabutts.


hey keith,
you are so full of jargon! you are like an ogre who has lost his favorite turtle. you have corn in your poop and, judging by the other strange thing found inside by scientists, you need to be chewing you food better. if not, you could get an ulcer, or something.
this has been a public service announcement.
eric


see you later.