Email #22

movie day, part two. i kinda mixed up two people talking into one, but i liked the part about crapping in your hand.

 keith 
 OK, fine, you've given up, fine. lt doesn't mean l
have to. If you couldn't crack it with all your
years of experience,it's impossible to think l
might have something to offer!  Maybe l can do
better than an over-the-hill burnout.  Maybe you
should just retire, get some rent-a-cop nightjob,
tell 'Nam stories! Listen! l was taking shrapnel
in 'Nam while you were crapping in your hands!
 eric         


Yup, that movie rules.
i don't know what's going on with these fonts.
computers are poop to me.

Email #21

i'm still here. here's today's


hey keith,
you are the king of the pygmies! we banish you to the dark side of the island.
it's not because you are short, it's because of your questionable personal hygiene.
take a goddamn shower.
eric

see you tomorrow, turkeys

Email #20

in honor of breaking into the twenties, i have an email from that guy from nigeria

keith,
i am from nigeria, if you send me a million dollars i will send you back ten million dollars, for some reason. it has something to do with bank accounts or whatever. please send it to me today, i really need to move this ten million before St. Valentine's Day.
hahaha! sucker.
eric


i'm off until wednesday. see you then

Email #19

today's, i have no idea.

keith,

you smell like a rubber butt that i found one time when i was in the himalayas. i knew that you were familiar. i think it's time you packed it up as a half-assed baseball writer and went with your history: sherpa.
eric

sleep deprivation's a helluva drug.

Email #18

here's today's message.

hey keith,
i was just named time magazine's man of the year.
what the hell have YOU done that's so great?
loser.
eric

fun.

Email #17

well, here's todays email. which has probably been read by some guy named james. i hope he enjoyed it.

hey keith,
HOW DARE YOU!!!
you have woken the dragon. it is time for you to put up or shut up. this has been enough.
you will be suspended for 50 games. i saw you doing steroids dude.
eric


so there keith! or james...

Reply #1

well, i got my first reply. unfortunately, it's not from keith law. in the interest of public information, i will post it anyway. it was in response to email #16. here it is. it made me laugh.

Dear Eric,

Thank you for contacting us.

ESPN trys to be age appropriate for all our sports fans. The terms of
use prohibits swearing on ESPN.com.

Thanks for visiting ESPN.com.

Regards,

James


so, there you have it. maybe ol' keithy got in trouble for his 'double-entendres'

Email #16

good morning world


hey keith,
let's quit it with the double-entendres, eh?
it's ok to just swear in america
eric

wow, today's was just dumb.

Email #15

today's selection.


hey keith,
you've lost it. we are all worried about you. you need to back off.
you are pooping too much
eric

see ya next week.

Email #14

Movie day!

hey keith,
Keith Law! Keith Law! Ha! I nursed him through two divorces, a cocaine rehab, and a pregnant receptionist. God's creature, right? God's special creature? Ha! And I've warned him. I've warned him every step of the way. Watching him bounce around like a fucking game, like a wind-up toy! Like 250 pounds of self-serving greed on wheels! The next thousand years is right around the corner, Keith Law--take a good look. Because he's the poster child for the next millennium! These people, it's no mystery where they come from. You sharpen the human appetite to the point where it could split atoms with its desire, you build egos the size of cathedrals, fiberopticly connect the world to every-eager-impulse, grease even the dullest dreams with these dollar-green gold-played fantasies until every human becomes an aspiring emperor! Becomes his own God! Where can you go from there? And as for scrambling from one deal to the next, who's got his eye on the planet? As the air thickens, the water sours, even the bees honey takes on the metallic taste of radioactivity--and it just keeps coming! And it just keeps coming! Faster and faster! There's no chance to think, to prepare, it's `buy futures, sell futures' when there is no future!! We've got a runaway train, boy!! We've got a billion Keith Laws all jogging into the future. Every one of them reading to fist-fuck God's ex-planet, lick their fingers clean as they reach out with their pristine cybernetic keyboards to total up their billable hours!! And then it hits home! It's a little late in the game to buy out now!! Your belly's too full, your dick is sore, your eyes are bloodshot, and you're screaming for someone to help!! But guess what? There's no one there!! You're all alone, Keith!! You're God's special little creature!! Maybe it's true. Maybe God threw the dice once too often. Maybe He let us all down.
eric


Don't worry, it was all cut and paste and adding the names. i'm far too lazy to type that much.

Email #13

Pirate day!

hey keith,

have you been eating enough fruit? i only ask because it looks like you've got scurvy.
I SWEAR TO GOD, KEITH, IF YOU LOSE ONE MORE FUCKING TOOTH, YOU'LL BE WALKIN' THE PLANK!
eric

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Email #12

Thank you deadspin.

hey keith,
you're with me, leather.
eric

see you tomorrow.

Email #11

Today, an email of memories past.


hey keith,
you've got a mouse in yer fuckin' ear.
OH THAT'S JUST YOUR PUSS!
eric

corey, this bud's for you.

Email #10

Double digits bitches!

keith
you remind me of a turd i had the other day. i tried to dress him up in a suit and put eyes on him mr. potato head style, but they wouldn't stick. i guess that's just the way it goes.
thinking of you every time i poop,
eric

see ya next week, yabutts.

Email #9

a retrospective, kinda


hey keith,
i hope you have been enjoying this. in fact, i hope you have been reading these at all. just so you know, every word of it is true. especially the part about the puke.
you smell like a gorilla butt
eric


bye byeeeeeeeeeeeee

Email #8

today's was real short. yup.

keith,
i hope your feet fall off!
eric

some days, you just don't have it.

Email #7

hey everyone. bold is back today! easy!

hey keith,
i think you look exactly like a banana. your goatee is covered in poop-dirt. OPEN YOUR EYES! can't you see that everyone can plainly see you buttcrack? this may sound crazy but finger toe jam mulligan stew! you bore me.
eric

until tomorrow.

Email #6

here is today's.

hey keith.
i thought of you while puking the other day. or was it the other way around?
eric


yup.
ps, for some reason they took away the bold button and put it as a shortcut, but the shortcut doesn't bold letters, it opens the bookmark menu. deal with it.

Email #5

hey, sorry about yesterday. i know you were all wondering what happened. all one of you. i was sick. but i'm back now.

keith,
you are a hottie-tottie. i think you are cutesy-wootsey, dreamy-weamy. you have the most beautiful eyes.
mr. eric law.
mr and mrs eric law.
eric william law.

actually you totally suck.
eric

there's today's. i'm moving tomorrow, so we'll see what happens there. i promise to be back asap.

Email #4

sometimes, when i'm real tired and don't feel good, they'll be extra short. like today.

hey keith,
did you have cucumbers for supper last night? you've got a big green chunk of something in your teeth.
eric

now, if you'll excuse me, i'm gonna go puke.

Email #3

Sometimes, the emails will be long and make absolutely no sense. for example, today's message.

keith,
you have eaten your last pair of trousers mama's boy! unfortunately you have not been eating enough green beans. i suggest you stay close to the road when you are going to the clam chowder drink-off. we have had enough of your tuna casserole. have you ever been allowed to take three cookies instead of two? i didn't think so! you are so predictable, always taking just the two cookies instead of the customary three. you HAVE been reported to the authorities. it is TOO LATE TO SAVE YOURSELF FROM JAILTIME, just think all it would have taken to avoid years in the hoosegow. eat finnish truffles you spandex wearing clown! take soap operas seriously! enjoy watching youth soccer! take a shower. don't forget to use soap! IT"S THE ONLY WAY TO KEEP CLEAN! watch out for orange dogs, they CANNOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES be trusted.
your lactose intolerance suits you well, sir.
eric

yup.

Email #2

Hey everyone. Sometimes the messages will be short and to the point. This will be especially true on holidays, like today. I am currently working on getting an actual email address, but i am dumb about that kind of stuff. Any help would be appreciated. Here's the email i sent today:

hey keith,
i went to use the bathroom this morning and, goddammit you left ANOTHER floater! please use more care when flushing from now on.
i'm beginning to think that you are doing this on purpose.
eric

Still waiting for that first response. see you tomorrow!

Email #1

The following is the first email I sent to Keith Law. I sent it on November 22nd in repsonse to his article titled "Morneau Laughable Choice For AL MVP"


keith, YOU are a laughable choice for my butt.
it looks like you cut your hair with your feet.
you smell like wet poop.
taste like it too.
quit leaving your fingernail clippings all over the bed!
WE ARE ALL STARTING TO REALLY HATE IT!
you suck.
eric.
ps- you suck


There you have it. The first in a long line. I'll post the next one as soon as i send it.