Letters To Keith Law

Email #64

2007-03-14T05:03:00.000-07:00

here's today's, and i will be off for a little while, and i don't know when the letters will come back. but they will!

hey keith,
i would do anything for love, but i won't do that.
NO NO NO I WON'T DO THAT!
eric

see ya later, ya sex and drums and rock'n'rolls!

Email #63

2007-03-13T05:02:00.000-07:00

i like short ones.

hey keith,
fork.
eric

see you tomorrow, ya snorks!

Email #62

2007-03-12T05:02:00.000-07:00

it's been awhile but...movie day! i would have done this same one earlier, but i was convinced that i already had. so obvious.

hey keith,
you have to purify yourself in the waters of lake minnetonka.
eric

see you tomorrow, ya blouses!

Email #61

2007-03-09T05:00:00.000-08:00

Today's deals with current events. namely the lamest thing that people always seems to put in their letters to the editor. there was one today, and it made me mad right before i sent the letter so, there you go.

hey keith,
for the cost of your favorite latte, you can kiss my ass.
eric

see you tomorrow, ya lame-o liberals!

Email #60

2007-03-08T05:05:00.000-08:00

I know one thing for sure about today's, this is what it sounds like when I sing it. I hope you all have this in your head for the rest of the day.

hey keith,
i can't get the sanford & son theme song out of my head!
bum-bum bwa-dum, bum-bum bwa-dum buh-duh bum,
bum-bum bwa-dum, bum-bum bwa-dum buh-duh bum,
bah-dum bum-bum bah-dum bum bum BAM!
eric

see you tomorrow, ya big dummies!

Email #59

2007-03-07T05:01:00.000-08:00

When you go to the wolves game and it goes into double overtime and still have to get up at six to go to work, you write short emails.

hey keith,
PICKLE-FART!
eric

see you tomorrow, ya shoe fuckers!

Email #58

2007-03-06T05:06:00.000-08:00

here's today's. i'm too tired to say anything more about it.

hey keith,
sometimes i think about stuff. sometimes you think about stuff. it's amazing how much we have in common! we both poop too!
eric

see you tomorrow, ya forbes magazine sports idiots!

Email #57

2007-03-05T05:04:00.000-08:00

i realized today that it had been a while since the last poop joke. i think anyway, it's not like i go back and read these. and oops! i spelled his name wrong!

hey kieth,
please use this message as a reminder of how important it is for you to start timing the hours/minutes between poops. if you don't have a stopwatch yet, get one!
eric

see you tomorrow, ya porn addicts!

Email #56

2007-03-01T05:01:00.000-08:00

today, i have this song in my head for some reason.

hey keith,
i've been waiting for a girl like you.
eric

see you tomorrow, ya foreigners!

Email #55

2007-02-28T05:06:00.000-08:00

today's is part of a new corporate sponsorship. ok maybe not.

hey keith,
guacamole carmel setter. indonesia bagpipes.
YOU HAVE EATEN YOUR LAST KRISPY KREME, BEGGAR!
next time, you spring for the doughnuts, fucker.
eric

see you tomorrow, ya dweedle wheedlers!

Email #54

2007-02-27T05:04:00.000-08:00

today's is the first nice one i guess.

hey keith,
i know we've had our differences over the years, but at least you're not kevin mchale.
eric

see you tomorrow, ya touchy-feelies!

Email #53

2007-02-26T05:00:00.000-08:00

well, here's today's

hey keith,
DON"T LOOK UNDER THERE!
eric

see you tomorrow, yabutts.

Email #52

2007-02-22T05:01:00.000-08:00

today, a poem.

keith,
pajama, banana, copacabana!
you smell like all three!
eric

i'm off tomorrow, so see you next week, ya bed wetters!

Email #51

2007-02-21T05:02:00.000-08:00

movie day again!

hey keith,
your chart says you're all fucked up.
eric

see you tomorrow, ya pistachio nuts!

Email #50

2007-02-20T05:03:00.000-08:00

holy shit, look who's 50!

hey keith
you drool when you talk. you waste too much time counting your change. you don't realize how much easier it is to just forget about it. all this shit is driving you crazy!
eric

see you tomorrow, ya new forties!

Email #49

2007-02-19T05:00:00.000-08:00

Let's all take a trip back to 1993.

hey keith,
you better chickety-check yo'self before you riggety-wreck yo'self
eric

see you tomorrow, ya dirty-gym-sock-masturbators!

Email #48

2007-02-16T05:00:00.000-08:00

today's message is in a secret language! we have a surplus of letters to send here so were holding over until april 2nd, aka opening day.

hey keith,
oday ouyay ikelay otay ooppay? eway inkthay ayay oday!
eric

see you next week, ya m.u.s.c.l.e. men!

Email #47

2007-02-15T05:02:00.001-08:00

here's today's selection, folks.

keith,
Lemmy is god.
eric

yes he is. see you tomorrow, ya horseshoe biters!

Email #46

2007-02-14T05:00:00.000-08:00

Today, we pay tribute to an american hero.

hey keith,
i must have taken a wrong turn at albequerque.
eric

see you tomorrow, ya maroons!

Email #45

2007-02-13T05:00:00.000-08:00

Today's selection was composed, by me, using refrigerator magnets at home.

hey keith,
eat dog crap,
bug boy!
eric

see you tomorrow, ya sap suckers!

Email #44

2007-02-12T05:02:00.000-08:00

hi everyone. will this be the last week for us? or will we press on? stay tuned to find out!

hey keith,
you've got a wicked snaggletooth, man. you look like my damn cat.
eric

see you tomorrow, ya snooker-fuckers!

Email #43

2007-02-09T05:03:00.000-08:00

here is today's letter. short and very sweet!

hey keith,
scrotum!
eric

see you next week, ya skittle-diddlers!

Email #42

2007-02-08T05:02:00.000-08:00

today, we talk about spelling.

hey keith,
i before e except after c, bitch.
eric

see you tomorrow, ya smut peddlers!

Email #41

2007-02-02T05:01:00.000-08:00

i can't feel my fingers. no more typing. here's today's letter.

hey keith,
it's just a matter of time. you know it has to happen. there's no use putting it off any longer. no matter how much you try, you can't stop it. look out below! poop!
eric

see you next week, ya corn-poopers!

Email #40

2007-02-01T05:00:00.000-08:00

good morning. look what i did.

hey keith,
have you ever played pictionary? i bet you can't even draw a decent shark. you sir, are no arteest!
eric

see you tomorrow, ya smelt-smellers!

Email #39

2007-01-31T09:15:00.000-08:00

welcome to today's selection, on cali time. for no reason.

hey keith,
you been snackin' on my graham crackers again? i told you! if i write my name on it, it's mine! not yours, you graham cracker stealing midget!
eric

see you tomorrow, ya cheat-squealers!

Email #38

2007-01-30T05:02:00.000-08:00

today, we tell keith what we really want.

hey keith,
have you ever tried just closing your eyes for a minute? please try tape. please try to keep off the grass. please try to forget about the glass. please try to fake a heartattack. please give up on your dreams of joining the U.S. gymnastics team. it's just not in the cards. if you forget to wish gene hackman a happy birthday, i will be calling the authorities.
eric

see you tomorrow, ya smelly windpipes!

Email #37

2007-01-29T05:02:00.000-08:00

here is today's fine selection.

hey keith,
do you say it 'sherbet' or sherbert'.
either way i'm sure that you are wrong.
this is america, we speak english here!
eric

see you tomorrow, pig-nosed poopheads!

Email #36

2007-01-26T05:01:00.000-08:00

today's is well, nice and simple.

hey keith,
suppose you never ever got to use a spoon again. what would you do? well, probably live off stored body fat you fat fuck.
eric

see you next week, ya sock-welders!

Email #35

2007-01-25T05:01:00.000-08:00

we think that nonsense ones are our favorite ones to do.

hey keith,
have you had supper yet? have you been remembering to wash behind your ears? turkey turkey watchmaker flat shoot sidewalk soccer practice! mahalo.
eric

see you tomorrow, wrenchsuckers!

Email #34

2007-01-24T05:12:00.000-08:00

today's...well, whatever. not really feelin' it today. i'll have something good tomorrow.

hey keith,
you have angered the gods! they will deal with you when your turn comes. be patient asshole.
eric

byeeeeeeeeeeeeee, cornholes.

Email #33

2007-01-19T05:02:00.000-08:00

Well, since 33 is my favorite number for some reason, i decided to go with one of the two best movies ever for this version of movie day. the other, of course, is the big lebowski which has already been used. like i did with point break, i smushed together more than one person talking.

hey keith,
This city is headed for a disaster of biblical proportions. What I mean is Old Testament, Keith, real wrath-of-God type stuff. Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies. Rivers and seas boiling. Forty years of darkness. Earthquakes, volcanoes... The dead rising from the grave. Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together - mass hysteria!
eric

See ya next week, ya schooner rockets!

Email #32

2007-01-18T05:01:00.000-08:00

today's is nice and simple.

hey keith,
why are you so satanic?
eric

see you tomorrow, shitheads!

Email #31

2007-01-17T05:12:00.000-08:00

hey everybody

hey keith,
please try to be a little more patriotic there buddy. our country needs heroes right now, not a bunch of rock-shoe dopes like you!
eric

see you tomorrow ya rock-shoe dopes!

Email #30

2007-01-16T05:10:00.000-08:00

30? wow. spoiler alert.

hey keith,
can you belive that wayne palmer is president? isn't that weird? also, can you belive that the us government shot fucking missles at a house in los angeles? did you cry when curtis died? i almost did. can you belive that a nuke was detonated? do you think that jack can stop them before they set off another one? i hope so. i also hope that kumar doesn't die.
eric

see you tomorrow

Email #29

2007-01-12T05:04:00.000-08:00

it's finally friday and i have gone completely bananas.

hey keith,
have you ever heard of a 2:15? i didn't think so. you really need to start learning about this stuff. YOU SHOULD READ THE WRITINGS OF WINSTON CHURCHILL! Politics! Science! Technology! you need to better yourself. please assume the position.
eric

see? well, i'll see everyone tuesday.

Email #28

2007-01-11T05:00:00.000-08:00

today's lesson:

hey keith,
when was the last time you stared directly into the sun? i bet it was just yesterday, maybe the day before. you know, you can't substitute staring into the sun for food.
idiot.
eric

that goes for all of you!

Email #27

2007-01-10T05:00:00.000-08:00

good morning and happy wednesday or some shit.

hey keith,
i have cooked the finest of poop soups for you today! i hope you enjoy lentils.
and poop
eric

see you tomorrow, yabutts.

Email #26

2007-01-09T05:03:00.000-08:00

hello. today's is nonsense, as usual.

hey keith,
if you have to, please make sure to walk on the left side of the street today. that's the LEFT side of the street. the LEFT. there may be a good chance for poop spray on the right side.
or maybe i'm just lying
eric

see you tommorrow and if you're into having fun with poop and the like check out famousnouns.com

Email #25

2007-01-08T04:59:00.000-08:00

here's today's short and very sweet selection

hey keith,
how long has it been since you pooped?
eric

until tomorrow...

Email #24

2007-01-05T05:12:00.000-08:00

Movie day again!

hey keith
My wife is not the issue here.I hope that my wife will someday learn to live on her allowance, which is ample, but if she doesn't, sir, that will be her problem, not mine, just as your rug is your problem, just as every bum's lot in life is his own responsibility regardless of whom he chooses to blame. I didn't blame anyone for the loss of my legs, some chinaman in Korea took them from me but I went out and achieved anyway. I can't solve your problems, sir, only you can Fuck it! That's your answer! Tattoo it on your forehead! Your answer to everything. Your "revolution" is over! Condolences! The bums lost!
eric

YAY!

Email #23

2007-01-02T05:03:00.000-08:00

happy new year, yabutts.

hey keith,
you are so full of jargon! you are like an ogre who has lost his favorite turtle. you have corn in your poop and, judging by the other strange thing found inside by scientists, you need to be chewing you food better. if not, you could get an ulcer, or something.
this has been a public service announcement.
eric

see you later.

Email #22

2006-12-29T05:10:00.000-08:00

movie day, part two. i kinda mixed up two people talking into one, but i liked the part about crapping in your hand.

 keith 
 OK, fine, you've given up, fine. lt doesn't mean l
have to. If you couldn't crack it with all your
years of experience,it's impossible to think l
might have something to offer!  Maybe l can do
better than an over-the-hill burnout.  Maybe you
should just retire, get some rent-a-cop nightjob,
tell 'Nam stories! Listen! l was taking shrapnel
in 'Nam while you were crapping in your hands!
 eric         


Yup, that movie rules.
i don't know what's going on with these fonts.
computers are poop to me.

Email #21

2006-12-28T04:58:00.000-08:00

i'm still here. here's today's

hey keith,
you are the king of the pygmies! we banish you to the dark side of the island.
it's not because you are short, it's because of your questionable personal hygiene.
take a goddamn shower.
eric

see you tomorrow, turkeys

Email #20

2006-12-22T05:02:00.000-08:00

in honor of breaking into the twenties, i have an email from that guy from nigeria

keith,
i am from nigeria, if you send me a million dollars i will send you back ten million dollars, for some reason. it has something to do with bank accounts or whatever. please send it to me today, i really need to move this ten million before St. Valentine's Day.
hahaha! sucker.
eric

i'm off until wednesday. see you then

Email #19

2006-12-21T05:04:00.000-08:00

today's, i have no idea.

keith,

you smell like a rubber butt that i found one time when i was in the himalayas. i knew that you were familiar. i think it's time you packed it up as a half-assed baseball writer and went with your history: sherpa.
eric

sleep deprivation's a helluva drug.

Email #18

2006-12-20T05:19:00.000-08:00

here's today's message.

hey keith,
i was just named time magazine's man of the year.
what the hell have YOU done that's so great?
loser.
eric

fun.

Email #17

2006-12-19T05:04:00.000-08:00

well, here's todays email. which has probably been read by some guy named james. i hope he enjoyed it.

hey keith,
HOW DARE YOU!!!
you have woken the dragon. it is time for you to put up or shut up. this has been enough.
you will be suspended for 50 games. i saw you doing steroids dude.
eric

so there keith! or james...

Reply #1

2006-12-19T05:00:00.000-08:00

well, i got my first reply. unfortunately, it's not from keith law. in the interest of public information, i will post it anyway. it was in response to email #16. here it is. it made me laugh.

Dear Eric,

Thank you for contacting us.

ESPN trys to be age appropriate for all our sports fans. The terms of
use prohibits swearing on ESPN.com.

Thanks for visiting ESPN.com.

Regards,

James

so, there you have it. maybe ol' keithy got in trouble for his 'double-entendres'

Email #16

2006-12-18T05:02:00.000-08:00

good morning world

hey keith,
let's quit it with the double-entendres, eh?
it's ok to just swear in america
eric

wow, today's was just dumb.

Email #15

2006-12-15T05:00:00.000-08:00

today's selection.

hey keith,
you've lost it. we are all worried about you. you need to back off.
you are pooping too much
eric

see ya next week.

Email #14

2006-12-13T05:17:00.000-08:00

Movie day!

hey keith,
Keith Law! Keith Law! Ha! I nursed him through two divorces, a cocaine rehab, and a pregnant receptionist. God's creature, right? God's special creature? Ha! And I've warned him. I've warned him every step of the way. Watching him bounce around like a fucking game, like a wind-up toy! Like 250 pounds of self-serving greed on wheels! The next thousand years is right around the corner, Keith Law--take a good look. Because he's the poster child for the next millennium! These people, it's no mystery where they come from. You sharpen the human appetite to the point where it could split atoms with its desire, you build egos the size of cathedrals, fiberopticly connect the world to every-eager-impulse, grease even the dullest dreams with these dollar-green gold-played fantasies until every human becomes an aspiring emperor! Becomes his own God! Where can you go from there? And as for scrambling from one deal to the next, who's got his eye on the planet? As the air thickens, the water sours, even the bees honey takes on the metallic taste of radioactivity--and it just keeps coming! And it just keeps coming! Faster and faster! There's no chance to think, to prepare, it's `buy futures, sell futures' when there is no future!! We've got a runaway train, boy!! We've got a billion Keith Laws all jogging into the future. Every one of them reading to fist-fuck God's ex-planet, lick their fingers clean as they reach out with their pristine cybernetic keyboards to total up their billable hours!! And then it hits home! It's a little late in the game to buy out now!! Your belly's too full, your dick is sore, your eyes are bloodshot, and you're screaming for someone to help!! But guess what? There's no one there!! You're all alone, Keith!! You're God's special little creature!! Maybe it's true. Maybe God threw the dice once too often. Maybe He let us all down.
eric

Don't worry, it was all cut and paste and adding the names. i'm far too lazy to type that much.

Email #13

2006-12-12T05:16:00.000-08:00

Pirate day!

hey keith,

have you been eating enough fruit? i only ask because it looks like you've got scurvy.
I SWEAR TO GOD, KEITH, IF YOU LOSE ONE MORE FUCKING TOOTH, YOU'LL BE WALKIN' THE PLANK!
eric

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Email #12

2006-12-11T11:47:00.000-08:00

Thank you deadspin.

hey keith,
you're with me, leather.
eric

see you tomorrow.

Email #11

2006-12-11T05:03:00.000-08:00

Today, an email of memories past.

hey keith,
you've got a mouse in yer fuckin' ear.
OH THAT'S JUST YOUR PUSS!
eric

corey, this bud's for you.

Email #10

2006-12-08T05:19:00.000-08:00

Double digits bitches!

keith
you remind me of a turd i had the other day. i tried to dress him up in a suit and put eyes on him mr. potato head style, but they wouldn't stick. i guess that's just the way it goes.
thinking of you every time i poop,
eric

see ya next week, yabutts.

Email #9

2006-12-07T05:16:00.000-08:00

a retrospective, kinda

hey keith,
i hope you have been enjoying this. in fact, i hope you have been reading these at all. just so you know, every word of it is true. especially the part about the puke.
you smell like a gorilla butt
eric

bye byeeeeeeeeeeeee

Email #8

2006-12-06T05:20:00.000-08:00

today's was real short. yup.

keith,
i hope your feet fall off!
eric

some days, you just don't have it.

Email #7

2006-12-05T05:19:00.000-08:00

hey everyone. bold is back today! easy!

hey keith,
i think you look exactly like a banana. your goatee is covered in poop-dirt. OPEN YOUR EYES! can't you see that everyone can plainly see you buttcrack? this may sound crazy but finger toe jam mulligan stew! you bore me.
eric

until tomorrow.

Email #6

2006-12-04T05:19:00.000-08:00

here is today's.

hey keith.
i thought of you while puking the other day. or was it the other way around?
eric

yup.
ps, for some reason they took away the bold button and put it as a shortcut, but the shortcut doesn't bold letters, it opens the bookmark menu. deal with it.

Email #5

2006-11-29T05:06:00.000-08:00

hey, sorry about yesterday. i know you were all wondering what happened. all one of you. i was sick. but i'm back now.

keith,
you are a hottie-tottie. i think you are cutesy-wootsey, dreamy-weamy. you have the most beautiful eyes.
mr. eric law.
mr and mrs eric law.
eric william law.

actually you totally suck.
eric

there's today's. i'm moving tomorrow, so we'll see what happens there. i promise to be back asap.

Email #4

2006-11-27T05:04:00.000-08:00

sometimes, when i'm real tired and don't feel good, they'll be extra short. like today.

hey keith,
did you have cucumbers for supper last night? you've got a big green chunk of something in your teeth.
eric

now, if you'll excuse me, i'm gonna go puke.

Email #3

2006-11-24T05:26:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, the emails will be long and make absolutely no sense. for example, today's message.

keith,
you have eaten your last pair of trousers mama's boy! unfortunately you have not been eating enough green beans. i suggest you stay close to the road when you are going to the clam chowder drink-off. we have had enough of your tuna casserole. have you ever been allowed to take three cookies instead of two? i didn't think so! you are so predictable, always taking just the two cookies instead of the customary three. you HAVE been reported to the authorities. it is TOO LATE TO SAVE YOURSELF FROM JAILTIME, just think all it would have taken to avoid years in the hoosegow. eat finnish truffles you spandex wearing clown! take soap operas seriously! enjoy watching youth soccer! take a shower. don't forget to use soap! IT"S THE ONLY WAY TO KEEP CLEAN! watch out for orange dogs, they CANNOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES be trusted.
your lactose intolerance suits you well, sir.
eric

yup.

Email #2

2006-11-23T08:01:00.000-08:00

Hey everyone. Sometimes the messages will be short and to the point. This will be especially true on holidays, like today. I am currently working on getting an actual email address, but i am dumb about that kind of stuff. Any help would be appreciated. Here's the email i sent today:

hey keith,
i went to use the bathroom this morning and, goddammit you left ANOTHER floater! please use more care when flushing from now on.
i'm beginning to think that you are doing this on purpose.
eric

Still waiting for that first response. see you tomorrow!

Email #1

2006-11-22T10:02:00.000-08:00

The following is the first email I sent to Keith Law. I sent it on November 22nd in repsonse to his article titled "Morneau Laughable Choice For AL MVP"

keith, YOU are a laughable choice for my butt.
it looks like you cut your hair with your feet.
you smell like wet poop.
taste like it too.
quit leaving your fingernail clippings all over the bed!
WE ARE ALL STARTING TO REALLY HATE IT!
you suck.
eric.
ps- you suck

There you have it. The first in a long line. I'll post the next one as soon as i send it.